Bereavement Midwives – Experiences and Opinions

My own experience with the hospital bereavement midwife wasn’t a very positive one and I wanted to discover whether more can be done to ensure that people are more supported by the bereavement midwives after they leave the hospital. I went about asking for experiences and opinions from other loss parents; and to be honest it is completely mixed! Some had amazing support, while others had awful, or non-existent support!

My Experience

After we lost Sophie we were assigned a bereavement midwife by the hospital; she wasn’t working the day that Sophie was born and therefore we didn’t meet her before the birth; however, we were induced two days after we were told that Sophie had died so she really could have made contact during that time to offer support and explain what would happen… it’s a very scary time and that would have been helpful! She was working the day after Sophie was born, but she still didn’t come to the bereavement suite to meet us before we left as she was ‘really busy’, so the hospital chaplain came in her place.

In fact the first time I spoke to her was the day after we got home when I wanted to go back to the hospital to see Sophie before she went for her post mortem; I telephoned her number and left a message for her to call back… which she did and then she met me at the hospital. The first time I met her she seemed pleasant, she asked how we were coping and if there’s anything we need help with. I asked for a referral to bereavement counselling for my son (I am still waiting for her to do this and ended up going through my GP!). After I visited Sophie she explained about how long the post mortem would take etc, and said that she would keep in contact to see how we were; and to please phone if I need to talk to someone as that’s what she’s there for.

I did telephone a few times (always got the answering machine!), and it always took 24 – 48 hours to receive a call back, and then she was nice on the phone but didn’t action anything she said she was going to!, she has never once visited me or invited me to any appointments, she did not attend Sophie’s funeral and she has not acknowledged Sophie since… I have heard from some people who, for instance, received a letter or a ‘thinking of you’ card on their baby’s birthday… we didn’t even get a phone call! I personally think she’s in the wrong job!

Experiences by others

I asked members of the Sophie’s Angels support group for their experiences and opinions, and the comments were completely mixed! Some positive and some negative. I thought this would give an idea as to what more can be done to support families who have lost a baby.

Positive

I’m always pleased to hear positive experiences about bereavement support… these are some of the comments that were made:

‘So far… AMAZING. I had a side room and the same 2 lovely nurses who looked after me from being admitted to being discharged. Nothing was too much trouble, pain was well managed. Small acts of kindness like letting my husband come/go and stay as much as I/he wanted without restricting us to visiting hours. Giving him a pass to the car park so we didn’t rock up a huge parking debt. They fed my husband and brought him cups of tea/coffee. The way they were with Dexter, how they dressed him and complemented him, the gorgeous memory box and ‘birth certificate’ (not an official one as he was born at 20 weeks), the way they brought him to me as many times as I wanted, the pass they gave me to come back to the ward to come and see him as much as I liked after I was discharged. The photographer they got to come and take pictures of the 3 of us, the chaplain they arranged to come and see us, the bereavement midwife who came to see us… if it’s possible to have a ‘positive’ experience whilst going through this I certainly did’

‘My son died at the children’s hospital where they had a group of people specialist in bereavement. They took hand and prints as well as a foot cast of my son, gave us a box with a candle, an angel, seeds to plant a flower, a box to put some of his hair in. The phoned every so often to check on us and they were wonderful’

‘I could write so much about all of the amazing care I received especially my amazing bereavement midwife Nikki. She was my rock when we lost Amelia last year. This time when we lost Sophia in June The care at the hospital was fantastic again. We were in the snowdrop suite again which is nice, my husband never had to leave they set up a bed so we could sleep together. They gave us our beautiful memory box and took hand and footprints for us. Nikki the bereavement midwife came straight up to the snowdrop suite to see me when she heard I was back. I could tell you so many things she’s done for me. She has gone above and beyond. Today she came to visit me and she knew I wanted to go back to the hospital to hold my baby as I didn’t have chance when she was born. My husband didn’t want to see her again and as she didn’t want me to go alone she took me. Sat with me when I cried and hugged me when I needed it the most. She then took me for a hot chocolate and a chat’

Negative

Unfortunately there are also many negative experiences, and more can most definitely be done to help with bereavement support; either before, during, or after the birth:

‘My experience wasn’t so good I was on labour ward for a whole week and I wasn’t allowed in the quiet room till the last night. The midwife’s where lovely, gave me a memory box hand and foot print had a cold cot were really respectful of him asked his name etc and talked to him which was comforting. I can’t fault the midwives, they gave me a lot of emotional support while I was in the labour wars for 7 days hearing births; another lady came in during that time at 39 weeks to deliver a stillborn baby which was heart-breaking all the more. I was given some leaflets and that was it when I was discharged, SANDS send me a letter to attend a candle lighting event every 6 months, but that’s all aftercare I have received’

‘My bereavement care was so poor. The whole care from admission to discharge was disgusting actually. Felt really let down and totally robbed of all the things, the little memories I never got to do that I will never get back. They only had 1 bereavement midwife for the hospital, and whilst she was off the week I was admitted no one stepped in and took her place to guide me and my partner through the process of it all. I had a different midwife and Dr every day and night literally no continuity of care what so ever. The memory box was left outside the room, they all avoided the room like the plague avoided all the questions I had. The midwife who delivered my angel was nice but she didn’t do the care to her full potential, she covered my baby with a towel as if she was a bit of trash, I was totally rushed with my baby, I was given 8 hours with her which I will forever treasure, but I was kept in that night and my baby sent to the mortuary even though they had a cold cot there. Also I wasn’t offered to see my baby again by the hospital, the bereavement midwife txt me and called me when she got back off holiday and explained that the staff hadn’t given me a bereavement info pack that I should’ve got which I later got posted out to me. Also I had to figure a lot of things out on my own. The staff were all so under trained with bereavement care (and I wasn’t even a difficult patient). I was 37 weeks pregnant when I had my little girl who was born sleeping, with no complications what so ever and no cause of death from a full post mortem’

‘I never had one. Wasn’t even offered one. I’ve just struggled through on my own’

‘My care was horrific! My bereavement midwife was none existent. Counselling was a great help but wasn’t offered until 12 weeks after, and by that time I had already attempted suicide! Nothing got explained, because of this we missed out on a lot of memory making’

‘Mine was terrible. I lost my daughter on the 8th April at 17+2 and I’m still trying to get help. I have taken an overdose too. I was assigned a bereavement midwife but only spoke to her once and that was to tell me Elsie had had her post mortem. I’m still waiting for the results. The care I received whilst suffering my miscarriage was on another level of shocking. I’ll never go back to the hospital concerned if I’m ever lucky enough to have my rainbow’

Conclusion

As far as I can see there are some bereavement midwives who go above and beyond to really support the families, while others could do with retraining so that people feel supported and cared for. Small gestures make all the difference… phoning or visiting to see how you are, offering help and support, referring to outside agencies who may be of benefit, attending the funeral, becoming a friend, being approachable and easy to talk to, returning telephone calls, visiting before the birth, organising the birth photographer, hand and foot prints etc, offering to help with any arrangements, recommending funeral directors… there are many things that can be done to help the grieving family and as a bereavement midwife or support worker they really should be doing everything that they can to make this difficult time slightly easier.

Please feel free to join Sophie’s Angels, it can really help to connect with other parents who are going through loss.

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Coping with the Due Date

I have been asked many, many times how I coped with Sophie’s due date; so I thought I’d write a post which may help other people as the date approaches. It was slightly different with Sophie because she was nearly term when she was born sleeping (you can read Sophie’s story here), and therefore I tend to focus more on her birthday than her due date; however, with the miscarriage I had at 10 weeks it was the due date that I focussed on. Therefore, this post is written from the perspective of how I coped with the due date approaching for the baby we lost in the first trimester. 

The Date logo

The first thing you need to realise is that you can’t hide from the date, and that although the date will be imprinted in your mind… not everyone will remember that date that your baby was due. The baby we miscarried was due on 2nd August 2015, we don’t know whether the baby was a boy or girl (although I suspect it was a boy) and that date will forever be a difficult date for us. 

Your Support Networkholding-hands

Speak to your partner, close friends and relatives as the date approaches; they may not actually remember the date and if you speak to them then they will be in a better place to offer support… or at least give you time if you need to talk, or leave you alone if that’s how you need to deal with it.

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We have a small patch in our back garden which I call the ‘memorial garden’, we planted it not long after we miscarried and I am constantly adding new plants to it as the old plants die off… I have perennials there now so all I need to do is weed the area; but to begin with we used bedding plants. I often sit out there and ‘chat’ to both my angels.

Buy Something for Baby-font-b-Kid-b-font-font-b-Toy-b-font-font-b-Car-b-font

If your baby had survived, then you would be buying birthday presents and very often the thought of not buying anything is one of the most upsetting aspects. So… if you feel that way…. Then there is no harm in buying something! I choose to buy things for the memorial garden, but you can also buy something age appropriate for their memory box (if you have one). It can be therapeutic to buy something for baby.

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I always light a candle for the baby on the morning of the due date; I had a candle holder engraved with my angels details: ‘Angel Baby. Grew wings on 9/1/15. Due on 2/8/15’. You can buy these on Ebay and I find that lighting a candle is quite comforting.

 

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These are a few suggestions that helped me to cope with the due date. You could also try taking a long walk, booking some time away, spending time with family, arranging a day out, starting a new hobby, fundraising for The Miscarriage Association or SANDS. There is no easy way to cope with the due date, but the better prepared you are, the less traumatic it will be. If you are struggling and need someone who will listen then please drop me an email via the ‘Contact Us’ page.

 

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