Trying again after loss can be a very touchy subject, and can add to the taboo as many people around the couple try to avoid the subject as they are worried about upsetting them. When you do mention the possibility of trying again, everyone seems to have an opinion, and you can find yourself doing what you think others want and expect… rather than what you want for you and your family.
When is the right time to try again? Only you can answer this question and the answer will be different for everyone; it will depend on many factors including:
- What gestation you were when you lost your angel?
- Have you healed physically?
- Did you need a caesarean section?
- How do you and your partner feel about trying again?
- Are there any genetic tests which need to be done first?
I have known people who try again straight away, and also people who have chosen to wait a while; whatever you choose has to be right for both you and your partner. There is no medical reason to wait if the doctors have cleared you physically, so the only thing that you need to worry about is how you will feel emotionally going into another pregnancy.
When we told people that we were going to try again we had a whole range of comments, it seemed like everyone had an opinion! Some were good…. And some were not so good! Ultimately, it is down to you and your partner and other people really need to either support you in your decision or keep their opinions to themselves!
After we were told that Sophie has passed away we were sent home for two days while awaiting the induction. This was probably the hardest part for me as I could feel that inside things had changed; my stomach was hard and heavy, Sophie was slumped to one side, at the bottom which made it very uncomfortable, and emotionally just knowing that she had passed away but was still inside me and frightened of what was to come was extremely difficult. Emotions can make you react in a way that some people can’t understand.
During our time at the hospital before we were sent home the doctor was discussing the possibility of trying again and at the time I was adamant that it wasn’t going to happen… EVER! Well, you can imagine Paul’s surprise when the following day I turned around to him and said ‘once Sophie is born I want to try again straight away’ he was very shocked by this and thought that I wasn’t thinking clearly… which I now know I wasn’t! My emotional state at the time was, as you can imagine, all over the place. I remember feeling very guilty for admitting that I wanted to try again so soon, but after speaking to the Midwife I realised that actually, those feelings, are very normal.
These are some of the questions I asked myself to decide when the time was right for me. However, this was after a stillbirth, when I had gone through labour and birth, my milk needed to dry up, and I needed time to heal physically and have the post mortem and all the genetic testing done; after our miscarriages we tried straight away… so these questions can be adapted depending on the gestation.
When is it right to try again?
This is something that is personal to each couple, and no one else should try to influence them in any way. I am hoping that this post will help to answer this question.
Are You Physically Prepared?
With the physical aspect of trying again it is best to be guided by what your doctor recommends. My doctor recommended waiting until after my 6-week postnatal check-up, but each doctor will have their own recommendations based on your own personal circumstances, the reason for your loss and the method of delivery. They may also recommend that you take vitamin supplements for a set period of time to replenish the stores which reduced during pregnancy.
Are You Emotionally Prepared?
Your doctor can assess your physical state, but your emotional state is just as, if not more important when trying after a loss. In all honesty, no one knows for certain how they will react when they conceive after a stillbirth, miscarriage or infant death; psychologically it can affect you for the rest of your life, and although you move forward, when you conceive these feelings may come rushing back. However, there are a few questions that you could ask yourself when preparing to try again:
- Have you had a chance to work through some of your grief?
- How would you cope if you were to experience fertility problems?
- Are you ready to cope with the stress of another pregnancy?
Talk about your feelings with your partner
Do you both feel the same? It’s important to discuss and listen to each other. I know Paul was shocked and overwhelmed by my eagerness to try again so soon. Women can sometimes become obsessive and carried away, while very often, for the man, it takes time to want to try again. So, you really need to listen to each other in order to agree on a course of action that you are both comfortable with.
Emotions while Trying Again
Trying to conceive can be torturous and frustrating… even for people who haven’t experienced a loss. Women can easily become obsessive as the months go on (charting, taking temperatures, buying ovulation predictor kits etc). Very often people lose sight of the intimacy and sex becomes robotic… this can make things much harder, not just to conceive, but also your desire to be together. For couples who have experienced a loss this can be even more challenging…. You want things to happen, but at the same time are scared of them happening. It is far better to just relax and let nature take its course; and you will then find that you enjoy the process rather than allowing your emotions to get in the way.
What Others Think
It is a fact that everybody will have their own opinions on whether or not you should try again. However, ultimately that is down to you and your partner. Until I decided to write a post about this there were very few people that knew we were trying again… mainly because I didn’t want, or need to hear their opinion! Of the people we have told, we have had a range of opinions… from the supportive ‘we will stand by whatever you decide’ to ‘we think it’s a complete mistake’ but ultimately it is our decision, and with the doctors promising that I will be closely monitored, I think we may regret it if we don’t ‘try’ once more.
How to Know When You’re Ready
This is a really hard one to answer! You will have days when you are obsessed about trying again and really want it to happen asap, and then you’ll have days when fear takes over and you are terrified about conceiving and losing again. These are both completely normal emotions. Most people who have lost a baby ‘just know’ when the time is right; it’s a gut instinct that takes over. However, I am under no illusion that pregnancy will never be the same again, I will worry about every single thing and will no longer be ‘relaxed’ once I hit the 12-week milestone.
Final and Most Important Question
Do the rewards outweigh the risks? This is a personal question that only the couple can answer! Once you feel that the answer is yes, then you are ready to try again