How do you cope when you see pregnant women or newborn babies? This is such a hard one for many of us who have lost a child, it’s something that comes up a lot on Sophie’s Angels and other loss groups that I am a member of.
I would like to start by saying that your feelings are completely warranted. There is no ‘right or wrong’ way to feel in this situation and your feelings will probably vary depending on the time since your angel grew his or her wings, how close you are to the pregnant woman, as well as other factors like how the other children are treated, how long they have been trying for a baby, and their personal situation… I know that this is absolutely none of my business but when you have lost a child your perspective changes, and even though I may not say anything except ‘congratulations’, my feelings are warranted and important… and so are yours. I still find that I get envious of people who seem to fall pregnant very quickly and have an easy pregnancy… It doesn’t mean that I’m not happy for them… because I am! But I am still envious… and that’s ok!
How to cope with your emotions
This is different for everyone, and you need to do what is right for you. It can help to talk about this on groups like Sophie’s Angels as you can talk to people who understand the mix of emotions that you are feeling… without being judged. Some people (and I have done this on occasion) go into self-protection mode and try to ignore their own feelings and emotions; however, by doing so you can end up feeling ‘numb’; this can help in the short term, but when those emotions return (and they will) it is so much harder to deal with it. However you deal with your feelings around pregnant women and newborn babies is right for you, and as soon as you realise, and truly believe that the feelings are completely normal then it will become easier to cope with. It is ok to not be ok.
What can you do to help with these emotions
The first thing, and I can not stress this enough, is to realise that your emotions and feelings are completely valid and totally normal; you are only human and therefore can easily be triggered by something which hurts your feelings. These are some ideas which could help you to cope with seeing pregnant women and newborn babies:
- Join a few support groups like Sophie’s Angels or SANDS. On these group you will find other grieving parent, grandparents etc, and talking about your feelings with people who understand can be really helpful
- Cry, scream, shout and vent as much as you need to, because none of this is right or fair
- Avoid (at least to begin with) triggering situations… I’m sure friends will understand if you can’t attend their baby shower etc
- Talk to you doctor if you feel that you would benefit from bereavement counselling
- Talk about your angel as much as you want
What other things have helped you to cope with this? Please feel free to leave a comment.