This is the first post I have written for a while, I just haven’t been able to find the words! I have wanted to write for a long time but the time simply hasn’t seemed right! As we approach the second Christmas without you, the need to write is much greater.
This year seems different to last year and I’m not sure that I’m dealing well with it all! Last year I wanted to completely ignore Christmas.. I couldn’t, of course, because of your brothers! If I had my way then I wouldn’t have celebrated at all; it just didn’t seen right when such an important part of our family was missing, my little girl, my princess. I was so exhausted by it all (painting on a fake smile for relatives, trying to appear happy for the boys, buying things for their stockings when I knew I should have also been buying gifts for you), that when Christmas day was over I refused to attend any more Christmas celebrations… I just couldn’t! This cause a lot of upset from family members, but I had to look after my own heart.
This year seems different. Aiden is now 4 and full of excitement, getting up at 5.30am every day as he wants to open his advent calendar! Brendon is 12 and really looking forward to Christmas, and Brett is 18 so Christmas will now be a different time for him! More adult! I feel excited, I really do! I can’t help it! I am excited to see the boys open their presents, spending time with your daddy and brothers over the holidays, and I’m actually looking forward to the year ahead! But then I get this pang of guilt… how can I get excited when you are not here? The only thing I can do for you now is decorate your forever bed with Christmas decorations, and keep your memory alive by connecting with people and offering support via Sophie’s Angels. How can I be happy, excited, looking forward to things? That must make me a terrible mum! But I am, and I hope you understand that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you, I will miss you for as long as I live. You are the first person I think about in the morning, and the last person I think about at night, but I do also have 3 other children and I do need to make an effort for them.
This is the second Christmas without you, and the emotions are different, but the way I miss you is still the same. Sleep peacefully Sophie, until we meet again xxx