It is so hard to put in to words how I’m feeling as it goes in waves; sometimes the waves can be pretty rough and sometimes quite calm! It’s 16 and a half months since Sophie was brought silently into this world and some days it still feels as raw as it did the day she was born. I don’t think it has gotten any easier as time has gone on – in fact for me it has become harder. I keep thinking about all the things she would be doing now; cruising the furniture, crawling, laughing and playing and it just breaks my heart. I see other children the same age and my heart aches a little bit more, I see clothes which I would have bought for her, or toys which I’m sure she would have enjoyed and it makes me so incredibly sad. The only things I can buy for her now are presents for her grave, that’s the only thing I can do for her and it kills me!
I do have times where I don’t feel so bad, when I’m looking after my other children or my mind is occupied with something else. But at the moment, with the children being on summer holidays, I am finding it particularly tough. When we take them out somewhere I am continuously reminded that Sophie should be there, she would now be at an age where she could get more involved… and it’s tough… really tough.
I have written before about how you find a ‘new normal’… where things will never be the same again but you find new ways of coping and this is very, very true. My ‘new normal’ now consists of me looking towards the future with my midwifery degree looming, looking after my family, making sure that Sophie is remembered and thought about, and helping to support other bereaved families while also campaigning for safer pregnancies and births. There is a link to our support group at the top of this blog, please feel free to join as it can really help to connect with people who have gone through this.
I still find it hard to talk to my husband, as he still tends to shut off! And I am finding being without my little girl very tough, but I feel privileged to be able to share my journey with so many people. xxx