One of the hardest things for me to deal with at the moment are the flashbacks I seem to be getting. I can’t control them and they are never the nicer memories… ‘It doesn’t look good guys’ is what the doctor said when he told us the news, ‘what will she look like’ I asked a different doctor, to which she replied ‘she will look like a baby’… this last one has stuck with me, because although comforting at the time, she will not LOOK LIKE a baby… she WAS a baby… MY baby!!! She was loved, wanted and cherished and she always will be! I will always have a piece of my heart missing, and it will never be complete again. I understand that now… I don’t like it and I can’t accept it… but I do understand it.
One of the biggest flashbacks I’m getting is of Sophie being wrapped in a towel and me being taken to theatre to remove my retained placenta; when I got back from theatre Sophie was bathed and dressed. I asked Paul if he had washed and dressed her, and he said ‘no the midwife did it’… this I accepted at the time (I had just given birth to a stillborn daughter and didn’t want to make a scene!), but it has affected me… really affected me! I can visualise every single part of Sophie, except her feet! I never saw her feet so I have no idea what they looked like! I should have bathed her, I should have washed her, and I should have told the midwife not to do it… but I didn’t, and now I never will be able to… and that crushes my heart sometimes.
The flashbacks are so hard, I had a dream 2 nights ago that I gave birth and the doctors were wrong and Sophie was alive… then I woke up and cried! I have had dreams where I’m in labour and Sophie is born with a smile on her face, waving as she flies into the air to be with the other angel baby’s… and I just try to pull her back. Dreams can be very upsetting sometimes.
If you are experiencing flashbacks then please write a comment.