Flashbacks

One of the hardest things for me to deal with at the moment are the flashbacks I seem to be getting. I can’t control them and they are never the nicer memories… ‘It doesn’t look good guys’ is what the doctor said when he told us the news, ‘what will she look like’ I asked a different doctor, to which she replied ‘she will look like a baby’… this last one has stuck with me, because although comforting at the time, she will not LOOK LIKE a baby… she WAS a baby… MY baby!!! She was loved, wanted and cherished and she always will be! I will always have a piece of my heart missing, and it will never be complete again. I understand that now… I don’t like it and I can’t accept it… but I do understand it.

One of the biggest flashbacks I’m getting is of Sophie being wrapped in a towel and me being taken to theatre to remove my retained placenta; when I got back from theatre Sophie was bathed and dressed. I asked Paul if he had washed and dressed her, and he said ‘no the midwife did it’… this I accepted at the time (I had just given birth to a stillborn daughter and didn’t want to make a scene!), but it has affected me… really affected me! I can visualise every single part of Sophie, except her feet! I never saw her feet so I have no idea what they looked like! I should have bathed her, I should have washed her, and I should have told the midwife not to do it… but I didn’t, and now I never will be able to… and that crushes my heart sometimes.

The flashbacks are so hard, I had a dream 2 nights ago that I gave birth and the doctors were wrong and Sophie was alive… then I woke up and cried! I have had dreams where I’m in labour and Sophie is born with a smile on her face, waving as she flies into the air to be with the other angel baby’s… and I just try to pull her back. Dreams can be very upsetting sometimes.

 If you are experiencing flashbacks then please write a comment.

 

One thought on “Flashbacks

  1. I deal with flashbacks from my stillbirth often. I was 40w5d and have no explanation for the loss of my Eden on October 2, 2017. The flashbacks are the worst, they hit you like waves of PTSD and the dreams can be the same way. I’ve also had dreams where the doctors made a mistake and she was alive when she came out. It’s horrifying and beautiful at the same time.

    Like

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