From Guilt to Relief – Visiting Sophie

 

The sun was shining and Sophie’s resting place was so peaceful. I was sad to see yet another baby has been laid to rest in the baby garden since I last visited. A little boy, the flowers were still fresh from his funeral so it must have been recent (maybe today or yesterday), and I walked over to his little bed and looked at the beautiful flowers, a gorgeous blue and white floral arrangement saying ‘Brother’ stood out to me and made me think about how my own children coped with such a horrific day, I was so proud of them that day. I thought about his family for a moment, fresh in their grief wondering how they were. I can imagine their pain as they try to move forward for their other children, and try to build a life with a piece missing. I absolutely hate it when I see more graves filled in, but what I hate more is seeing freshly dug graves; because I know that the next day there will be yet another family saying their goodbyes to their child… It happens too often and I feel for each and every family.

I sat by Sophie’s grave cleaning and polishing the granite headstone and kerb, and started to talk to her about looking after the newest little boy. I rearranged all her little ornaments and put some fresh flowers in the vase, and I just sat and talked for ages. It was quite an emotional visit, not just because I was visiting my daughters grave, but because I had been feeling so very guilty recently… I hadn’t been able to visit her for a couple of months; it’s not that I couldn’t get there, and it’s not that I didn’t want to… I just couldn’t get passed the cemetery gates! I had no idea where this sudden feeling had come from but I would get to the cemetery gates, my legs would go to jelly, I’d feel really quite sick, and I literally couldn’t go any further! But today I was determined! I was going to see my daughter and I was going to push through that feeling! And I did! I spent quite a long time there today, talking and just sitting! It was really very peaceful and after I got back home I just wanted to go there again! So, I did!!!

I spend so much time supporting others through loss, and today the members from my Facebook group ‘Sophie’s Angels’ and my friends group ‘Otis and Friends’ were the ones propping me up! And I can’t thank them enough!

The photos below show how her resting place looks now.

 

 

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