I have written and rewritten this post many times as it’s difficult to put into words how I feel! I have been asked a few times recently from other angel parents how I feel, and how long it takes before you start to feel ‘normal’ after saying goodbye to your child. I wish I could give a definitive answer to this, but I can’t! What I can say is that I don’t think things can ever go back to the way they were before; however, with time, you can and will find a ‘new normal’, this ‘new normal’ is one where you carry on for the sake of your family, your other children, and your friends… You survive each day, and at this stage surviving IS enough! Don’t allow people to rush you into doing things before you are ready; and eventually, you will start to smile and laugh again, you will begin to see the fun in life, and you can eventually start to look towards the future. However, you will never forget your angel, and your ‘new normal’ will be one where you always feel like a part of you is missing.
So, it’s been almost 14 months since we lost Sophie, and I find it really hard to put into words how I am feeling… mainly because the way I feel changes daily! Most days my ‘new normal’ consists of me carrying on and looking after my family; as you know I have three children and a husband who depend on me, so going to pieces on a daily basis just isn’t and option! I hold onto a lot of regret, and I think about the ‘what if’s’ every day, and I do still cry when I think about all the things which could have been done, especially the opportunities that were missed (both by me and the doctors) which could have saved Sophie; the fact that her death was probably preventable is one of the hardest parts to understand. Sophie was one of many preventable deaths and it makes me so angry when I think about all of the babies who pass away from preventable causes. I will be writing a separate post about this in the next few days, as this is something which needs to be highlighted.
Saying all of this, I do now have many more good days, and my ‘new normal’ now involves me looking towards the future, I can see light at the end of the tunnel, looking after my family, keeping my promise to Sophie that I will keep her memory alive, and supporting others who have also experienced this devastating loss; along with researching ways to prevent loss, and raising awareness.