This is a question that I get ask a lot, and there’s a very simple answer… I am not! I have moments when the black cloud hits me and all I do is cry, I have moments when I see something (newborn clothes, a baby with the same name, a TV programme) and I burst into tears, and I still have moments when my motivation disappears and all I want to do is go to bed! Those moments hit me and there is little I can do to stop them! So in answer to the question… I am not strong but I have no choice but to carry on.
I am thankful for my family; with other children to care for you have to get up in the morning, you have to take them out and you have to face the world… as difficult as that is sometimes! Aiden needs his routine (he’s only 3), so I have to take him to toddler groups and events so that he can socialise, and that in turn has helped me. Brendon is 10 and has a lot of events at school as he is leaving primary school this year, so I have to attend all the events I can, and again, that is helping me. Brett is 16 so he is starting college and therefore he has events that we need to attend. All of these things are helping us, as a family, face the world; which to be honest is something that I am finding difficult at the moment.
But one thing I have realised; is that it’s ok to not be ok all of the time! You don’t have to be strong and you don’t have to pretend to move on. I speak about Sophie a lot and that’s my way of coping, Paul doesn’t speak about her much at all… and that’s the way he copes; everybody is different. Believe me when I say that even though I appear to be strong on the outside, and I smile and laugh… there is still a part of me that is completely broken and that tends to come out when I’m at home on my own, or when I see something which triggers it.
I do find that by helping other people, I am kind of healing myself. I write this blog to help others, not just to help people understand and come to terms with stillbirth but also to help you as you look towards the future; I also help to admin a very successful angel and rainbow Facebook page; that’s the way that I am getting through it…. Sharing Sophie’s story and helping others. If you want any support, or if you have any comments; the please feel free to contact me.